Why I am here?

I used to wonder about that a lot ... and then I met Bobby.
For 21 years my life had a purpose ... it had direction ... it had meaning.
And then he walked away from it.
Just like that ...
       I am nothing ...
               easy to leave. 

                        easy to forget.
I need to let it go ...
            I need to make a different life ...
                               but I don't know how.

Who does it really matter to anyway?
No one calls ...
      No one visits ...
Everyone goes on about their lives with no thought to how hard it is for me.

If you love someone aren't you supposed to be there for them, no matter what?

But I have to ask ...

                       to beg ...

                            to plead ...

I'm sorry I'm not as young as I once was.

     I'm sorry I can't do everything on my own as I once did. 

The way I see it, if I were to go tomorrow people would just be pissed I left behind so much stuff for them to deal with.

That's not my imagination ... I've actually been told they hope I don't leave crap behind to deal with like my Mumsy did.

She lived a long life, accumulated a lot of things ...

        just like me. I have a lot of things that I've enjoyed over the years.

                             But now I have to ask WHY? They no longer hold the same meaning. 

Nothing does.

Why am I here??

How Will I Laugh Tomorrow

Aw who am I kidding? Just myself I guess... I am trying - really trying - to move on. At times I can but right now it's hard when there are so many things still left unsaid. So when I found these lyrics, they really hit home. I've poured out all my feelings in a message today ... hopefully I can move passed feeling this way SOONER than later. 

Here I sit and watch my world come crumbling down

I cry for help but no one's around

Silently screaming I bang my head against the wall

It seems like no one cares at all

Always an emotion, but how can I explain

How can I explain

Kind of like the scent of a rose

With words I can't explain

The same with my pain

Caught up in emotion-Goes over my head

Goes over my head

Sometimes I got to think to myself is this life or death

Am I living or am I dead

The clock keeps ticking but nothing else seems to change

Problems never solved, just rearranged

And when I think about all the times that I've had

So few good-So many bad

I search for personality and I look for things I can not see

Love and peace flash through my mind

Pain and hate are all I find

Find no hope in nothing new

Never had a dream come true

Lies and hate and agony

Through my eyes that's all I see

If I'm gonna cry

Will you wipe away my tears?

If I'm gonna die

Lord please take away my fear

Before I drown in sorrow

Last thing that I'll say

How will I laugh tomorrow

If I can't even smile today

Today today--when I can't even smile today

Today today--when I can't even smile today

How will I laugh tomorrow--when I can't even smile today

How will I laugh tomorrow--when I can't even smile today

(Suicidal Tendencies - How Will I Laugh Tomorrow)

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