Why I am here?

I used to wonder about that a lot ... and then I met Bobby.
For 21 years my life had a purpose ... it had direction ... it had meaning.
And then he walked away from it.
Just like that ...
       I am nothing ...
               easy to leave. 

                        easy to forget.
I need to let it go ...
            I need to make a different life ...
                               but I don't know how.

Who does it really matter to anyway?
No one calls ...
      No one visits ...
Everyone goes on about their lives with no thought to how hard it is for me.

If you love someone aren't you supposed to be there for them, no matter what?

But I have to ask ...

                       to beg ...

                            to plead ...

I'm sorry I'm not as young as I once was.

     I'm sorry I can't do everything on my own as I once did. 

The way I see it, if I were to go tomorrow people would just be pissed I left behind so much stuff for them to deal with.

That's not my imagination ... I've actually been told they hope I don't leave crap behind to deal with like my Mumsy did.

She lived a long life, accumulated a lot of things ...

        just like me. I have a lot of things that I've enjoyed over the years.

                             But now I have to ask WHY? They no longer hold the same meaning. 

Nothing does.

Why am I here??

How Will I Laugh Tomorrow

Aw who am I kidding? Just myself I guess... I am trying - really trying - to move on. At times I can but right now it's hard when there are so many things still left unsaid. So when I found these lyrics, they really hit home. I've poured out all my feelings in a message today ... hopefully I can move passed feeling this way SOONER than later. 

Here I sit and watch my world come crumbling down

I cry for help but no one's around

Silently screaming I bang my head against the wall

It seems like no one cares at all

Always an emotion, but how can I explain

How can I explain

Kind of like the scent of a rose

With words I can't explain

The same with my pain

Caught up in emotion-Goes over my head

Goes over my head

Sometimes I got to think to myself is this life or death

Am I living or am I dead

The clock keeps ticking but nothing else seems to change

Problems never solved, just rearranged

And when I think about all the times that I've had

So few good-So many bad

I search for personality and I look for things I can not see

Love and peace flash through my mind

Pain and hate are all I find

Find no hope in nothing new

Never had a dream come true

Lies and hate and agony

Through my eyes that's all I see

If I'm gonna cry

Will you wipe away my tears?

If I'm gonna die

Lord please take away my fear

Before I drown in sorrow

Last thing that I'll say

How will I laugh tomorrow

If I can't even smile today

Today today--when I can't even smile today

Today today--when I can't even smile today

How will I laugh tomorrow--when I can't even smile today

How will I laugh tomorrow--when I can't even smile today

(Suicidal Tendencies - How Will I Laugh Tomorrow)

(copyrights observed)

Rolling in the Deep

This year Adele swept the Grammys so I had to listen to her music. I absolutely ADORE her! Many of her songs mirror a lot of my own feelings since Bobby decided to walk away from what we had. I don't give revenge much thought any longer since Karma has a way of taking care of things for me.

In tribute to Adele ... You go girl!

There’s a fire starting in my heart

Reaching a fever pitch and it’s bringing me out the dark

Finally I can see you crystal clear

Go ahead and sell me out and I’ll lay your ship bare

See how I’ll leave with every piece of you

Don’t underestimate the things that I will do

There’s a fire starting in my heart

Reaching a fever pitch and it’s bringing me out the dark

The scars of your love remind me of us

They keep me thinking that we almost had it all

The scars of your love they leave me breathless

I can’t help feeling

We could have had it all!

(You’re gonna wish you never had met me)

Rolling in the Deep

(Tears are gonna fall, Rolling in the Deep)

You had my heart inside-a your hand

(You’re gonna wish you never had met me)

And you played it to the beat

(Tears are gonna fall, Rolling in the Deep)

Baby I have no story to be told

But I’ve heard one on you and I’m gonna make your head burn

Think of me in the depths of your despair

Making a home down there as mine sure won’t be shared

The scars of your love remind me of us

(You’re gonna wish you never had met me)

They keep me thinking that we almost had it all

(Tears are gonna fall, Rolling in the Deep)

The scars of your love

(You’re gonna wish you never had met me)

They leave me breathless

(Tears are gonna fall, Rolling in the Deep)

I can’t help feeling

We could have had it all! Rolling in the Deep

(You’re gonna wish you never had met me)

You had my heart inside-a your hand and you played it to the beat

(Tears are gonna fall, Rolling in the Deep)

We could’ve had it all! Rolling in the Deep

You had my heart inside-a your hand but you played it with a beating

Throw your soul through every open door

Count your blessings to find what you look for

Turn my sorrow into treasured gold

You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow

(You’re gonna wish you never had met me)

We could have had it all

(Tears are gonna fall, Rolling in the Deep)

We could have had it all

(You’re gonna wish you never had met me)

It all, it all, it all

(Tears are gonna fall, Rolling in the Deep)

We could’ve had it all! Rolling in the Deep

You had my heart inside-a your hand

Then you played it to the beat

We could’ve had it all! Rolling in the Deep

You had my heart inside-a your hands

But you played it, you played it, you played it to the beat.

How long is forever?

In my experience forever lasts 21 years 11 months 24 days and a few odd hours ... How do I come up with that?

Well ... 

 on July 27, 1989 we promised that two shall become as one

even sealed that promise with a kiss

promising from that day forward to love each other forever and a day

I guess he forgot about the "and a day" part because forever ended July 21, 2011 ... the day he told me he wanted a divorce. Gone were the promises of loving and taking care of me for the rest of my life ... Gone were the promises of growing old together ... He pissed on all that when he walked away from this relationship ...

He came in June 2011 after working in Austin for the past 2 1/2-3 months. He's just not happy anymore. He has some regrets in his life  —  but no marrying me was NOT one. He would forever cherish the time we had together, we just weren't "seeing things with the same eyes" anymore ... we weren't "walking on the same path" anymore ... he had NOT MISSED ME while he was gone ... he had NO DESIRE for me ... he wasn't IN LOVE with me ... I did my best to show him I was committed to working this out, to staying together. After all, we had been through quite a lot with each other over the past 21 years ... how could he just walk away so easily? He didn't know if he wanted to try a separation or if he wanted to be divorced. No, he didn't have a girlfriend. He just needed to decide what was right FOR HIM, no one else. 

So if there is no girlfriend, WTF is this Jessica he's been texting and talking to since April while working in Austin? 

Oh ... here she is ...

with him at the Republic of Texas Bike Rally in Austin just days before he came back.

And still I tried to show him I was committed to this marriage ... I was committed to the vows that we made on our wedding day and the vow we made to each other every day since then. Even as he continued to text and talk to her, I continued being a good wife ... cooking, cleaning, doing his laundry, supporting him every day. But that didn't make a difference ... he still told me he wanted a divorce ... and July 21 wasn't just any other day of the year. No ... it was MY BIRTHDAY that he made this declaration, that he shattered my world and would forever change my life ... and just six days before our 22nd anniversary.

Even then I would tell him that I was committed to this relationship, that I wanted it to work. I couldn't see throwing away the life we had together. It meant more to me than it did to him, obviously, as the months of lies and deceit continued. Like the "business trip" he was going to take, leaving Lubbock on a Friday for Amarillo to check on the prospect of a job for the company there. He would spend the night and the next day go to Bowie to check on an on-going project, and even get in some overnight fishing before going to Abilene. That's where he would be checking on another prospective job. He would wind up going to the lake around Munday and fishing there overnight before heading home on Sunday. He even laid out the map on his cell phone and showed me the route he would be taking.

I admit I didn't question this until the evening he left. Naive? Maybe ... but mostly still hopeful this man would come to his senses and not give up on our relationship. But he never went any of those places. 

 

Instead, he spent it in Austin with her.

What was his excuse when he came back? He didn't tell me the truth because he wanted to "spare my feelings." The lie is worse than the actual deed. But he needed to know if that was where he wanted to be. So is it?  No ... but it wasn't here either. More lies ... because they moved in together around the end of November 2011. 

 our divorce was final January 25, 2012 so

 I have to agree with Michael Martin Murphy

 

It's been quite an adjustment. I believe all his traveling connected with the job leading up to this bombshell was God preparing me for being alone. I still don't understand why he had to be so cruel and hurtful ... saying he wasn't in love with me anymore, didn't miss me, the lies to leave here to be with her, shutting me out of celebrating the end of his parole ... Why couldn't he just BE A MAN and tell the truth from the beginning?? It already hurt enough to know he preferred to be with her, not me ... the lies were disrespectful of me as a person, as the woman who shared his life for 21 years, the woman who did so much for him while he was in prison - twice ... it was just a bigger insult, salt in the wounds, a continual slap in the face. 

Perhaps I shouldn't say this ... I mean what does it say about me? ... I have never stopped hoping that one day he would change his mind and say "Sweetness, I am sorry that I hurt you. I was wrong and I want us to try again." Hell, right now I would just settle for his saying he was sorry he hurt me. I know the more time that passes, the less likely he is to come back; so from this day forth, I am accepting the fact that what we had together is truly over and will never be again. 

Some days are still harder than others, but they're becoming further apart. I know in time it won't hurt as much; and I know GOD has something better planned for me. I am looking forward to finding out what that is.