How long is forever?

In my experience forever lasts 21 years 11 months 24 days and a few odd hours ... How do I come up with that?

Well ... 

 on July 27, 1989 we promised that two shall become as one

even sealed that promise with a kiss

promising from that day forward to love each other forever and a day

I guess he forgot about the "and a day" part because forever ended July 21, 2011 ... the day he told me he wanted a divorce. Gone were the promises of loving and taking care of me for the rest of my life ... Gone were the promises of growing old together ... He pissed on all that when he walked away from this relationship ...

He came in June 2011 after working in Austin for the past 2 1/2-3 months. He's just not happy anymore. He has some regrets in his life  —  but no marrying me was NOT one. He would forever cherish the time we had together, we just weren't "seeing things with the same eyes" anymore ... we weren't "walking on the same path" anymore ... he had NOT MISSED ME while he was gone ... he had NO DESIRE for me ... he wasn't IN LOVE with me ... I did my best to show him I was committed to working this out, to staying together. After all, we had been through quite a lot with each other over the past 21 years ... how could he just walk away so easily? He didn't know if he wanted to try a separation or if he wanted to be divorced. No, he didn't have a girlfriend. He just needed to decide what was right FOR HIM, no one else. 

So if there is no girlfriend, WTF is this Jessica he's been texting and talking to since April while working in Austin? 

Oh ... here she is ...

with him at the Republic of Texas Bike Rally in Austin just days before he came back.

And still I tried to show him I was committed to this marriage ... I was committed to the vows that we made on our wedding day and the vow we made to each other every day since then. Even as he continued to text and talk to her, I continued being a good wife ... cooking, cleaning, doing his laundry, supporting him every day. But that didn't make a difference ... he still told me he wanted a divorce ... and July 21 wasn't just any other day of the year. No ... it was MY BIRTHDAY that he made this declaration, that he shattered my world and would forever change my life ... and just six days before our 22nd anniversary.

Even then I would tell him that I was committed to this relationship, that I wanted it to work. I couldn't see throwing away the life we had together. It meant more to me than it did to him, obviously, as the months of lies and deceit continued. Like the "business trip" he was going to take, leaving Lubbock on a Friday for Amarillo to check on the prospect of a job for the company there. He would spend the night and the next day go to Bowie to check on an on-going project, and even get in some overnight fishing before going to Abilene. That's where he would be checking on another prospective job. He would wind up going to the lake around Munday and fishing there overnight before heading home on Sunday. He even laid out the map on his cell phone and showed me the route he would be taking.

I admit I didn't question this until the evening he left. Naive? Maybe ... but mostly still hopeful this man would come to his senses and not give up on our relationship. But he never went any of those places. 

 

Instead, he spent it in Austin with her.

What was his excuse when he came back? He didn't tell me the truth because he wanted to "spare my feelings." The lie is worse than the actual deed. But he needed to know if that was where he wanted to be. So is it?  No ... but it wasn't here either. More lies ... because they moved in together around the end of November 2011. 

 our divorce was final January 25, 2012 so

 I have to agree with Michael Martin Murphy

 

It's been quite an adjustment. I believe all his traveling connected with the job leading up to this bombshell was God preparing me for being alone. I still don't understand why he had to be so cruel and hurtful ... saying he wasn't in love with me anymore, didn't miss me, the lies to leave here to be with her, shutting me out of celebrating the end of his parole ... Why couldn't he just BE A MAN and tell the truth from the beginning?? It already hurt enough to know he preferred to be with her, not me ... the lies were disrespectful of me as a person, as the woman who shared his life for 21 years, the woman who did so much for him while he was in prison - twice ... it was just a bigger insult, salt in the wounds, a continual slap in the face. 

Perhaps I shouldn't say this ... I mean what does it say about me? ... I have never stopped hoping that one day he would change his mind and say "Sweetness, I am sorry that I hurt you. I was wrong and I want us to try again." Hell, right now I would just settle for his saying he was sorry he hurt me. I know the more time that passes, the less likely he is to come back; so from this day forth, I am accepting the fact that what we had together is truly over and will never be again. 

Some days are still harder than others, but they're becoming further apart. I know in time it won't hurt as much; and I know GOD has something better planned for me. I am looking forward to finding out what that is.